jordenf v2.0

When summer starts winding to a close most people get depressed.  The sunshine starts to fade, the days get shorter, it starts to get cold outside, and baseball playoffs begin… these are all valid reasons to be upset that fall is upon us.  Me however, well I get a little pumped when September rolls around… why you ask?  Well it’s because it’s fantasy time, and it has nothing to do with the bedroom.

It’s the time of year when grown men all over Canada and the United States make sure they have the latest virus protection software on their laptops, they upgrade their wireless internet connection so it works flawlessly, they subscribe to the NFL Network so that they can watch 4 games at the same time, and they make sure they’ve bought something nice for their wives so that they don’t divorce them for some organic hippie named Andre who doesn’t “need” cable or “care” about sports.  It’s Fantasy Football Season! Or as we call it in my house “you better be super nice and not neglect your wife on Sundays or your computer and television will be thrown out the window season.”

Now I’ve tried to get my wife into the NFL and Fantasy Football for years (she calls it imaginary football, or make-believe football by the way).  I’ve said to her, “Hey, you know what!? We’ll just get you your own Fantasy Football Team!  How about that!?  Don’t worry I’ll manage it for you (and my own of course), but this way you can sit on Sundays with me and cheer for your players!  What could be more awesome then spending time together rooting for our teams!”  To which her response was, “you do enough pretend sports for the both of us thanks.”  To which I responded, “could you please stop calling it ‘pretend’!  We pick real players you know… they actually participate on the field, we just watch their stats improve on the internet, improving our chances of beating the other guys fantasy team.”  To which she responded, “Are you even listening to how lame you sound?”  I was just about to respond but then Braylon Edwards went down and I was too busy praying that he didn’t tear his ACL because I didn’t have a spare Wide Receiver on my bench that I could put in next week and I would have to use a waiver wire pickup to get a new one…  And my she thinks I sound lame!

Now I’m not just a one trick pony, I’ve tried the tried and true “look at how good the player’s bums look in tights” approach.  But she sees right through that and points out that the Offensive Line has enough bums for the whole team, to which I point out, “be nice, O-Linemen are people too.”

When that doesn’t work I’ve tried to trick her into doing things on Sunday with her friends so that maybe she’ll forget that I’m not doing anything around the house except making more of a mess and cursing loud enough that our neighbours can hear… but I’m sure they understand that it’s frustrating to watch Phillip Rivers throw 4 touchdown passes the previous week and then throw 3 interceptions the week you put him in your starting lineup.  I’ll smile and say, “Hey, you know who you haven’t seen in a while?  Julia!  You should visit her on Sunday.”  My wife will glare back and say, “Julia lives in Victoria.  Jorden, you know that.  We are not watching football all day.”  Meanwhile I’m thinking ‘don’t give up, don’t give up… Got it!’ “Hey, why don’t you make a day trip out of it… could be fun!” To which she says, “I’m not going to hop on the ferry by myself, go to Victoria for half a day, and then come back.”  But I’m a fighter so I respond, “Take Monday off, you deserve it!  I’ll even drive you there Sunday morning… before kick-off, uh I mean before 10 o’clock, then you could stay the night and come back late Monday… you know get a full two days in, and I’ll pick you up after Monday Night Foot… uh I mean Monday night sometime after 9.”  And then my Macbook is quickly tossed out the window.

Now when none of the above works it really gets down to hard negotiating tactics:

Me – “Okay, I’ll watch What Not To Wear with you if you let me watch the Sunday Nighter.”

Wife – “The Sunday Nighter?  Why?  You don’t even like the two teams that are playing.”

I’m thinking ‘she’s good, she’s researched what teams are playing.’

Me – “Yeah I know, but I started Pittsburgh’s defense and if Maurice Jones-Drew runs for 80 yards and a TD I’ll beat Reggie’s Inbred Cousins this week and be the top of the division!”

Wife – “You play against a team called Reggie’s Inbred Cousins?”

Me – “Yeah?”

Wife – “I wish I had a tape-recorder right now so I could play this back to you and you’d realize how ridiculous you sound.”

Me – “Uh, they don’t use tape-recorders anymore, everything is digital now.”

And there goes the TV out the same window… I’m actually pretty impressed she could pick it up, it’s heavy.

The only time I get lucky and my wife gets interested in football is if we are in the car listening to sports talk and a player does something stupid away from the field.  “Ha ha ha, who shoots themselves in the thigh at a nightclub!!!!???”  to which I delicately respond because I don’t want to ruin the fact that she hasn’t made me change the station yet, “Plaxico Burress that’s who… I’m so screwed on Sunday, why do all my players keep shooting themselves or getting staff infections?”  To which my wife smiles and says, “maybe it’s a higher power telling you that make-believe football is stupid and you should give it up.”  Touche.

Now in all fairness my wife isn’t bad at all.  She let’s me watch most of the time and realizes that she married a bit of a sports geek and sometimes pretend football goes along with that.  Actually to be quite honest she kind of helps put it all into perspective.  When Earnest Graham fumbled on the one yard line and I started to weep and she said while wiping away my tears, “it’s not even real… how much money did this even cost you? 20 bucks?… that other nerd needs this more than you… at least he didn’t shoot himself in the thigh like your last player.”  Always so helpful.

So for you guys who have made it through this long blog rant thinking that there was going to be some Fantasy Football tip at the end you’re in luck, there is!  It’s find a girl who likes football and hold onto her.  Hold onto her like you are punching the ball in from the 3-yard line to win your Fantasy Football Championship!

Cheers!

jordenf