the office kid « jordenf v2.0

the office kid

Posted on August 24, 2009 by jordenf

Ever wanted to take off from work early to catch a hockey game but can’t get away from the office? Wanted to just sleep in another hour but known you’ve got that meeting regarding the Johnson account at 7am? Tired of Freddy Father and Michelle Mother getting the big promotions just because the boss thinks having a couple of kids makes them a more trustworthy, hard-working and stable employee? Well don’t fret my friend, you can now enjoy all the perks of parenthood without ever having to change a diaper… for the low price of $19.95.

The Office Kid is the brainchild of Melissa Maher who was tired of all the parents she worked with getting time off because of dance recitals, doctors appointments, and parent teacher interviews. She was sick of picking up the slack they would leave behind just because she didn’t have any children of her own, which is why she created her own fake offspring… The Office Kid.

When you purchase this “get out of work free” card you basically become the Madonna of parenthood, you get to choose the child’s gender, ethnicity and name… the only difference is you get your kid legally from New York and her’s is stolen from Africa. Once your kid is ordered you are shipped an official Office Kid Lunchbox, which is equipped with all the tools you’ll need to trick your whole office into thinking someone actually made the mistake of having sex with you and gave birth to your child. Included in this starter kit is:

1. Welcome letter and a lot of sample “kid excuses” to get you out of work.

2. Framed picture of a real kid matching the gender and ethnicity you chose.

3. Original kid’s artwork for cubicle display.

If you have some really snoopy co-workers who might ask a lot of questions like “why do you all of a sudden have a 7-year old, when this time last year you tried to make out with me at the office Christmas Party and told me that you weren’t tied down and just wanted to have some harmless fun” you can order more items a la carte such as:

4. Your kid’s picture photoshopped into a sports team photograph.

5. Doctor’s note on “official” stationary.

6. Additional original kid artwork at $5 a piece.

So what could be better than owning you’re very own fake kid! You don’t have to clean up after it, it won’t tell you it hates you when it’s a teenager, it won’t disappoint you like most kids, you only have to spend money on it once, and when you want to add another member to your family just drop another $19.95 and get little Escobar a sister… just don’t mix up the ethnicity because then you will get a lot of unnecessary attention as people will talk about what a tramp you or your significant other are. And you don’t need all that drama when you are trying to get away early to golf 9-holes by telling your boss that little Savanah needs to get tested for a peanut allergy.

Cheers from,

My Wife, Myself & our new Office Kid