the snaggletooth is the new faux-hawk

Posted on September 11, 2009 by jordenf

Remember a few years ago when everyone and their dog were rocking faux-hawks? I even had one for a short while! Well I have some good news… and some bad news… the bad news is that faux-hawks aren’t cool anymore, so if you have one (Blake Lewis from American Idol and Elijah Wood) 2006 called and even they want you to cut it. Now for the good news, all is not lost because there is a new fashion statement out there right now that is quick, cheap, and easy to do. Just find a metal object and bite down hard on it. That’s right, the hot look for 2010 is the Snaggletooth (not to be confused with Snagglepuss).

You see I’ve just chipped my front tooth on one of those stupid aluminum water bottles. So much for trying to protect myself from Bisphenol A by switching from a plastic water bottle that wouldn’t cause any damage to my teeth, to a “safer” aluminum version that may not kill me but makes me look like a slightly more awesome version of Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.

But I guess in the grand scheme of things this is a blessing in disguise being that the snaggletooth is all the rage with the kids these days. Look at the hottest movie and book around… Twilight. All those vampire kids have snaggleteeth (or fangs I guess you could call them). Robert Pattinson, who is apparently bringing back the uni-brow as well rocks snaggleteeth in all of his movies and chicks dig him.

And the more I looked into it snaggleteeth have actually been popular for years… it’s just they were so underground before that even mainstream fashionistas didn’t know about them. Singer songwriter Jewel has some snaggleteeth, Beatles frontman Paul McCartney rocked a chipped tooth for years, NBA MVP Steve Nash uses his chipped tooth to counterbalance the perfect 3-point shot, Vancouver Canucks player and McDonalds customer of the year Kyle Wellwood liked the snaggletooth look so much he removed the whole tooth… now that’s taking fashion to the extreme! Katie Holmes recently chipped her tooth and Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco took the snaggletooth to a whole ‘nother level by getting his teeth made into gold!

Not only do snaggleteeth look cool, but they help with everyday tasks as well. You can use your chipped fang to pierce the top of a beer can when you don’t want to break a nail opening it (not that I would break a nail because I’m super manly), you can use it to scare off young children at the playground when you want to sit on the swing, or old people at the mall food-court when you want to be first in line at A&W. If you are ever lost in the woods and come across a bear your regular teeth would be of no use in defeating it… but with a snaggletooth… hold onto your hat, that bear is going wish it was still hibernating!

Now I know some of you are saying “Jorden, chipping my teeth is going to hurt… I want to look cool but I’m worried about the process in getting there”. Well my friends, chipping your teeth can actually be a fun task and a real bonding experience. For example instead of girls getting together for sleepovers and doing each others hair, they can now get together and punch each other in the mouth… that’s way hotter than a pillow fight. And guys, instead of getting together for a video game session and some beers, take the Wii Remote and play Tiger Woods Golf for real… using your buddies front-side as the golf ball.