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‘Tis the season for Christmas specials all over television.  It’s the one time of year where everyone is reminded of their youth when watching a favorite Holiday movie from years past.

My personal favorite (so much that I own the DVD) is A Christmas Story.  You know the one with Ralphie, the Leg Lamp and the Red Ryder BB Gun?  I know some people can’t wait for It’s A Wonderful Life to arrive in all it’s black & white glory, others make sure to record White Christmas just so they can sing along with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, and a few of my friends even watch Die Hard on Christmas Eve religiously as nothing says Merry Christmas like Bruce Willis killing people without his shoes on.

Now some people say that although Die Hard takes place on Christmas Eve it’s not a proper Christmas movie.  They say that it lacks the “Christmas Spirit”, that it can’t be a Christmas movie because it’s not about love, joy, giving and receiving, or believing in yourself and others.  I beg to differ.  And to prove my point I’m going to compare Die Hard with that little stop motion classic, Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

1. First off in Die Hard, John McClane is flying (which he is terrified of) to LA to try and make things right with his estranged wife…. Now if that’s not believing in the power of love and reconciliation no matter what stands between you and your family, then I don’t know what is.  In Rudolph, the son of Donner is born with a mild birth-defect (a red nose) and Donner, who obviously does not like the physically disabled and probably coloured people, disowns him… What a dick. Point Die Hard.
2. Secondly in Die Hard, McClane get’s himself into a situation where he has to fight off terrorists without his shoes to save all the people at the Nakatomi company Christmas party… That is what we call ladies and gents, determination, as well as doing the right thing no matter what it takes.  In Rudolph, even Santa, who is supposed to be the jolliest man in the world, doesn’t stick up for poor Rudolph but instead states that if Rudolph want’s to lead his sleigh he better get a nose job.  All the other reindeer get wind of this and kick Rudolph out of their games causing him to run away… Where is the determination there Rudy?  And Santa have you been going to Donner’s School for Dick-Heads? Not sticking up for Rudolph sure doesn’t constitute as doing the right thing no matter what. Point Die Hard.
3. McClane had help in Die Hard.  Carl Winslow from Family Matters shows up in a police uniform and aids McClane through his ordeal… Because let’s be honest, Christmas is all about helping those who are less fortunate in their time of need… and McClane is getting shot at without his shoes on which makes him a lot less fortunate than Carl Winslow.  Rudolph also has a side-kick, Hermie the elf! Hermie has also been ostracized by his so-called “friends” because he doesn’t want to make toys but become a dentist instead… Wait a dentist!?… Well that’s just sick.  Point Die Hard.
4. In Christmas movies there is always a Scrooge of some sort who does not believe in the spirit of Christmas.  In Die Hard it’s Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson and McClane’s wife Holly’s co-worker Harry Ellis… What does McClane do?  Well he believes in the spirit of Christmas of course and converts both of them (either by death or by humiliation) to become believer’s in not only himself but the power of Christmas as well!  Why? Because he didn’t give up on what is right!  On the other hand, Rudolph, Hermie and former sexual predator Yukon Cornelius try to convert the Misfit Toys to believe in Christmas and themselves but instead Rudolph runs away again… someone needs to put a leash on that guy. Point Die Hard.
5. In Die Hard, John McClane defeats Mr. Bah Humbug Hans Gruber by pushing him off the top of a building to save his wife and Christmas!  McClane’s pal Carl Winslow saves McClane’s life when Hans Gruber’s life-partner Karl tries to shoot him… You see Carl Winslow gives McClane the ultimate Christmas gift… Life and a second chance.  In Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph’s parents and girlfriend get abducted by the Bumble.  Rudolph tries to save them but get’s knocked out instead.  Yukon Cornelius and Hermie happen to be cruising by an Elementary School in the area, hear the screams and save Rudolph and his family by pushing the Bumble off the top or a cliff and then yanking his teeth out for good measure… well that’s pretty Christmassy I guess.  Point Both.
6. At the end of Die Hard McClane and his wife Holly get back together and thank Carl Winslow for all his help… it’s a truly joyful event and proves that if you believe, work hard, and love others, Christmas will prevail.  At the end of Rudolph, Santa and Donner realize they can exploit Rudolph’s deformity and use him as a slave to pull their sleigh.  Yukon Cornelius notices that there are lot’s of little elves at the North Pole so figures he probably has a better chance of hooking up there so he sticks around, the Bumble bounces and comes back to life looking like your grandpa without his dentures, and Hermie goes on to pull all the little elves teeth out… WTF.  Point Die Hard.

After some long-division and going through a couple of calculators, the final score is:

Die Hard = 6 points.

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer = 1 point.

In conclusion Die Hard exudes much more of what Christmas is all about than Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer ever could… But I wouldn’t show either to your kids.

Happy Holidays!

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