Okay so something that I can’t believe I missed has come to my attention just now.  So you know those lame Snuggie things that have taken off?… I don’t know why but apparently either there are a lot of gag gifts going around these days or a lot more idiots.  Well the recent Snuggie sales has created a sudden surge in “Snuggie related ideas”… such as the Twosome Snuggie I wrote about last year.  Well resident bad-ass Lex Friedman jumped on the band wagon and created a website called The Snuggie Sutra… yeah, it’s exactly what you think it is…

The tag line of the Snuggie Sutra website is: “You have a Snuggie, you have sex, this was inevitable.”  I’m just taking a stab in the dark here but I don’t think a lot of people who own Snuggies are having a lot of sex… but either way it’s pretty hilarious and a pretty sweet idea.  This is how Lex describes how The Snuggie Sutra guide was born:

Sex is fun.  Blankets are a pain in the ass.  You know how it is.  You and your lover are in bed, eager to engage in coitus, orgasmic ecstasy easily within reach.  But the blankets get tangled.  Or tossed aside.  She gets cold.  He gets shrinkage.  There’s never been a solution to having sex while avoiding a chill.  Until the Snuggie.  The Snuggie Sutra is like the Kama Sutra, only with Snuggies.  It’s an illustrated guide to sexual positions that are both erotic and warm.

Awesome!  I would trade in a couple of my friends to bring this guy into my inner circle… not because of his Snuggie Sutra knowledge or anything, but because he seems a lot funnier than most of the people I hang out with.

Not only are the illustrations easy to understand but the explanations are even better!  For instance to do The Tablecloth (at the top of this page): She lies on the table.  He wears the Snuggie on his front while the bottom end covers her.  It’s just not a holiday without stuffing. Now that is brilliant!

So if you own a Snuggie (but I pray you don’t) and you have a partner (which you probably won’t)… but in case you do… I recommend you go to the Snuggie Sutra website and check out some of their moves… or add your own!

Cheers!

jordenf

Sparkle Labs have come up with an idiot-proof craft project for Christmas that even I could probably handle… but I wouldn’t cause I’m super manly and doing crafts or anything that involves construction paper is lame.  But if you do decided to try it, when it’s completed it will make you look like a total Martha Stewart bad-ass!

You just download the PDF and print it onto construction paper or on regular white paper.  Then take out your scissors and cut along the solid lines… you might need one of those fancy craft knives for the tree’s inner skeleton as it get’s a little intricate.  After your tree has been cut out just fold on the dotted lines, tape it together, put some LED lights underneath it, and you’ve got yourself a desktop Christmas tree!  Once lit the tree projects against the wall in a neat way, so if you like shiny things and are easily amused by light patterns… this is probably going to be for you!  Rock n’ Roll!

I’m not going to lie… it looks pretty sweet and I’m going to make one as soon as I finish mowing the lawn, fixing my Harley, lifting weights, and getting a barbed-wire tattoo around my bicep.

Cheers!

jordenf

You see I’ve just chipped my front tooth on one of those stupid aluminum water bottles. So much for trying to protect myself from Bisphenol A by switching from a plastic water bottle that wouldn’t cause any damage to my teeth, to a “safer” aluminum version that may not kill me but makes me look like a slightly more awesome version of Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.

But I guess in the grand scheme of things this is a blessing in disguise being that the snaggletooth is all the rage with the kids these days. Look at the hottest movie and book around… Twilight. All those vampire kids have snaggleteeth (or fangs I guess you could call them). Robert Pattinson, who is apparently bringing back the uni-brow as well rocks snaggleteeth in all of his movies and chicks dig him.

And the more I looked into it snaggleteeth have actually been popular for years… it’s just they were so underground before that even mainstream fashionistas didn’t know about them. Singer songwriter Jewel has some snaggleteeth, Beatles frontman Paul McCartney rocked a chipped tooth for years, NBA MVP Steve Nash uses his chipped tooth to counterbalance the perfect 3-point shot, Vancouver Canucks player and McDonalds customer of the year Kyle Wellwood liked the snaggletooth look so much he removed the whole tooth… now that’s taking fashion to the extreme! Katie Holmes recently chipped her tooth and Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco took the snaggletooth to a whole ‘nother level by getting his teeth made into gold!

Not only do snaggleteeth look cool, but they help with everyday tasks as well.  You can use your chipped fang to pierce the top of a beer can when you don’t want to break a nail opening it (not that I would break a nail because I’m super manly), you can use it to scare off young children at the playground when you want to sit on the swing, or old people at the mall food-court when you want to be first in line at A&W.  If you are ever lost in the woods and come across a bear your regular teeth would be of no use in defeating it… but with a snaggletooth… hold onto your hat, that bear is going wish it was still hibernating!

Now I know some of you are saying “Jorden, chipping my teeth is going to hurt… I want to look cool but I’m worried about the process in getting there”.  Well my friends, chipping your teeth can actually be a fun task and a real bonding experience.   For example instead of girls getting together for sleepovers and doing each others hair, they can now get together and punch each other in the mouth… that’s way hotter than a pillow fight.  And guys, instead of getting together for a video game session and some beers, take the Wii Remote and play Tiger Woods Golf for real… using your buddies front-side as the golf ball.

So there you have it! Shave those faux-hawks and chip those teeth… you’ll be a whole lot more popular because of it!

Cheers!

jordenf

The Office Kid is the brainchild of Melissa Maher who was tired of all the parents she worked with getting time off because of dance recitals, doctors appointments, and parent teacher interviews.  She was sick of picking up the slack they would leave behind just because she didn’t have any children of her own, which is why she created her own fake offspring… The Office Kid.

When you purchase this “get out of work free” card you basically become the Madonna of parenthood, you get to choose the child’s gender, ethnicity and name… the only difference is you get your kid legally from New York and her’s is stolen from Africa.  Once your kid is ordered you are shipped an official Office Kid Lunchbox, which is equipped with all the tools you’ll need to trick your whole office into thinking someone actually made the mistake of having sex with you and gave birth to your child.  Included in this starter kit is:

1. Welcome letter and a lot of sample “kid excuses” to get you out of work.

2. Framed picture of a real kid matching the gender and ethnicity you chose.

3. Original kid’s artwork for cubicle display.

If you have some really snoopy co-workers who might ask a lot of questions like “why do you all of a sudden have a 7-year old, when this time last year you tried to make out with me at the office Christmas Party and told me that you weren’t tied down and just wanted to have some harmless fun” you can order more items a la carte such as:

4. Your kid’s picture photoshopped into a sports team photograph.

5. Doctor’s note on “official” stationary.

6. Additional original kid artwork at $5 a piece.

So what could be better than owning you’re very own fake kid!  You don’t have to clean up after it, it won’t tell you it hates you when it’s a teenager, it won’t disappoint you like most kids, you only have to spend money on it once, and when you want to add another member to your family just drop another $19.95 and get little Escobar a sister… just don’t mix up the ethnicity because then you will get a lot of unnecessary attention as people will talk about what a tramp you or your significant other are.  And you don’t need all that drama when you are trying to get away early to golf 9-holes by telling your boss that little Savanah needs to get tested for a peanut allergy.

Cheers from,

My Wife, Myself & our new Office Kid

Think of the beard as the incubation period for your mustache.  And then when the time comes to release your inner Tom Selleck you can do so seamlessly as you remove the bottom part of your facial hair and give birth to your mustache (that sounds pretty gross actually).

For me the incubation period is the best part, I love the beard.  When mustache time comes I almost don’t want to part with the rest of my facial hair creation.  It’s like giving up a child.  It’s as if there are twins on your face and you have to give one up for adoption just so the other one can have his day in the sun.  But that being said you can at least enjoy a face full of hair for a couple months (quite possibly the best couple months of your life).

Look at the goat on her lap!

However, growing a beard is not something you can just dabble in.  It’s either all or nothing.  If you want that mustache bad enough you are going to have to go through a few months of itchiness but awesomeness to get there.  It is a commitment you make that is only rivaled possibly by the day you get married, but it’s pretty close.

Now if you have grown a beard before you know the joy I’m talking about.  The joy that can only be experienced by running your hands through your hair, down your side-burns and into your new facial-haired friend… some guys can even continue running their hands through the beard and into the chest hair, down to the stomach, and through to the thighs, and finally down to the tops of the feet… it’s called “the connector“… most women will call it the “I’m not going to sleep with you because you’re too hairy” but “the connector” I find is much friendlier and doesn’t hurt your self-esteem.

Now if you haven’t grown a beard before and are a little nervous or are wondering what the benefits are of going through an awkward itchy stage just to get to the final prize well I’m about to tell you.  These are 10 reasons why you should grow a beard:

1. People will automatically think you are from Greenpeace or PETA and people love the environment and cute animals… so they will love you too!

2. It saves you 5 minutes of shaving each morning, 5 minutes that could be spent in bed or looking in the mirror admiring your beard.

3. You can look like a distinguished professor or look like a bad-ass biker… the creative choice is yours!

4. Other guys with beards will give you the ‘nod’ when they pass by as if you are part of some awesome secret club.

5. You’ll have a lot more time to get things done in the evening because your wife or girlfriend won’t want anything to do with you for the first 3 weeks, think of how many video games you could beat with this time!

6. Jesus had one.

7. You get to purchase one of those mini-combs.

8. You can go to Home Depot and instantly look like you know what you are doing… now that’s manly!

9. Rednecks will like you and may even buy you a Coors Light.

10. Your beard can store leftover food so if you ever get lost in the woods you can eat the snacks stuck in your beard for survival… but let’s be honest, you have a beard now so the woods are your new home, they get lost around you!

So I hope I’ve convinced you to grow a beard this September, I will be growing mine again in preparation for December’s events.  If you are new and nervous about how to trim your beard or upkeep it so it doesn’t get all mangy there is a great website called beards.org which has all the info you need on growing your beard as well as lots of pictures of different beard options, I recommend you check it out.  Now remember to keep the beard tight and clean, always use conditioner when in the shower, and never make the rookie mistake and start your beard to high up your neckline cause that will just look ridiculous.  Beards.org has a handy guide you can follow so that you start your beard at the right spot on your neck.  And always remember when you are feeling down and forget why you are growing your beard in the first place keep your eye on the prize… this guy:

Hope to be able to give many of you the ‘nod’ this season… now throw those shavers away!

Cheers!

jordenf

I went high and to the right, she went low and to the left, I went forward too fast, she went forward too slow, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was already moving (well stumbling) forward I probably would have caught her in the side of the face and she might have hit me in the… well you get the picture.  If someone was watching this they would have thought “wow, look at all those dedicated people working out and check out those two uncoordinated ones on the left that couldn’t even connect on a simple high five.  Well, it’s nice that the rest of the group still includes them in their exercise program despite their disabilities”.  Ouch.

Now it’s not that we are disabled when it comes to the art of the high five, I think it is just that we are all a bit out of practice.  Take the world’s worst high fiver Tiger Woods for instance, he only really high fives his caddy Steve Williams at the end of the final round on a Sunday, and only if he is in contention for the win.  So this maybe happens once every 2 months or so… well once every 2 months isn’t enough practice.  I mean the guy practices his golf stroke about 5 hours a day and he can hit a little white ball into a little hole with no problem, yet he doesn’t have the precision to connect hands with his caddy from only 2 feet away.

In a generation of the pound, the bum-slap, the low five, and the chest bump, the art of the high five seems to be lost.  I feel like it’s my duty to remind you that the bum-slap is only for football players, the chest bump is only for drunk frat guys, the low five is for folks with armpit odour, and the pound is dedicated to people who think they are too “street” to put their arm up in the air… so if you are none of these I encourage you to bring back the palm on palm goodness.

Now remember to look at the other persons elbow to ensure a solid connection, and put some heat behind it so it makes a nice loud “crack”, this way it will catch other people’s attention and they will want a high five as well…  it will be more contagious than the swine flu.  So go forth and spread the good word of the high five or if you’re feeling bold the high ten!  And don’t forget to celebrate National High Five Day which is the third Tuesday in April every year!

- As Borat would say “High Five, very nice!”

jordenf

Oh and if you want to find out about other celebratory “high fives” check out the High Five Wikipedia page which is actually quite hilarious.

Read my original post below.

Okay so I thought I would give this new WordPress app for BlackBerry a try. So far so good, you can select tags and categories fairly easily and so far my blog hasn’t been deleted. I’m going to post a pic of what the UI looks like.

I haven’t really noticed any problems… Other than the fact you have to type on your little Qwerty keyboard.

Cheers from my WordPress app on my BlackBerry!

jordenf

I will download it later tonight and let you know how it goes.  Although on the WordPress site it did say to use it on your backup blog just in case the app erases it… well I don’t have a backup blog so fingers crossed I’ll be back tomorrow!

Cheers!

jordenf

So my wife (who is a lot craftier and creative than I am… but she doesn’t have a blog so take that!) has started making her own cards.  Whether it be out of an old greeting card, postcard, picture… this is a great way to recycle or create something that someone will want to hold on to… cause lets be honest, people love homemade stuff because it makes them feel more special than the person you go to Hallmark for.

Now it’s fairly easy to do… for instance for this Mother’s Day I took a nice picture of my mom and I, messed around with it in iPhoto put it on a piece of cardstock and voila you are done!  My wife on the other hand (who like I said is a lot more creative than I… but don’t tell her that cause it just goes to her head) took an old magazine and cut out similar colours into shapes to create flowers.

Now I’m sure my mom will keep her picture card and I know my mother-in-law will keep hers from my wife and both of us now feel guilt free for not going out and buying a half-ass card with a cheesy photo on the front.

Cheers! jordenf

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Cheers!

jordenf

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